"But, Kristen," you say "Don't you live in a... um... kinda..um, rough spot?" And I say to you, "Don't make me cut you!" No, I live in Frankford (a section of sunny tropical Philadelphia), it's true. Where we are famous for... shooting pizza delivery guys in the face, Frankford High School knife fights, and the very interesting people who dwell under the El (elevated train). But I live in a pretty little bubble called Northwood within Frankford. I've NEVER had a issue with a neighbor. My son lives next to Haitian, Hispanic, and Irish, Jew and Muslim and Baptist. There are doctors and police and even a former professional boxer on my block. He will learn that "love thy neighbor" doesn't mean just the ones that look like you. And besides, this playground was in a "nicer" area, anyway.
It was 5 pm when we arrived. Kids get my son excited. He hangs out with me all day or plays with just one or two. So, when he sees children en masse, a mob mentality possesses his brain and he begins screaming at them "Hey Friends! Play with me. I'm Henry!" It's all very cute. I was pushing him on the death trap, (a triangular tower made of rope that is attached at the base to a merry go round, so not only can you climb 12 feet in the air, you can be spinning while reaching the summit) when I heard a few kids wrestling in the middle of the rubber ground. They were no older than 8 or 9 and their language was like a episode of HBO's Boardwalk Empire,only more raunchy.
I turned to find my son, to move him away from the onslaught of filth, when I found him next to the cartoon like ball of arms and legs rolling on the ground. The look on his face removed all doubt that we are born with inherent evil in our soul. Remember the Grinch when he decided to rob the Whos' christmas? Yeah like that. He saw this chaos and knew it was something wrong and he was enchanted.
Then he began cheering them on. "You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!" was the equivalant to what he was shouting in his psycho toddler babble. Just then, as I was about to be "that mom" who tells these kids to watch the potty talk. My hero, a policeman or fireman (he had the hair and wore a shirt with his district or something, like they do.) was there with his little girls and began giving these kids what for. My son removed his gaze from the now sheepish boys, to the man who broke up the fight. Hmmm, Authority! Way more appealing then garden variety naughtiness! But a kid offered to play soccer with my son and he was distracted from his lust for power.
Just then a group of 12 year old GIRLS began to chase the young kids calling them, well, it rhymes with Zagat. A mother started screaming like a certified maniac at her son for interrupting her cell phone call. A couple, who must have been seperated, doing a drop off/ pick up with their kids began making a scene. As I was about to grab my angel from all this anarchy. It happened. My son stole a toy from a child and ran for the Mexico border.
A flimsy, poison-lead based paint, made in China, MickyD's pink plastic nothing caught my son's eye and he had to have it. He took it from the 10 year old skinny cutie girl and her Hippie-patchouli-soaked hemp pants pacifist father try to encourage the girl to share with the thief. "Come on, Serenity-Echo, let the little boy enjoy the toy, too." (I didn't hear her name but I don't think it would be far off) Before I could say I'm sorry and ask what a hippie is doing with a McDonald's toy, Henry has climbed to the top of the death trap tower with the toy, much like King Kong. "Am I at a playground in hell?", I think as I pry him off the tower after making so much noise it makes the ugly-divorce couple look at me in judgement. I give the toy back to Chakra-Clover, make Henry say he's sorry and run with my son for our lives.
I guess my point is, when you are home with your kid, people have a hard time believeing you are so busy all day. "You just went to the park, today? That's it? Wow, must be rough!" You got no idea, bub! I was fighting the minions of Satan, protecting my child from spinning Mt Everest, and shaping his character by thwarting a life of stick-ups and mugging. What did you do today?
Ya, but what did you do before 5 pm? Lol! I will totally admit, I am jealous of you. I definitely wish I raising a family. However, I am doing my runner up for now then hopefully my ovaries aren't too shriveled up by the time I get around to the other. Very entertaining read! If you want more readers. There's a group called SITS. It's largely mom's and wives with time on their hands and contests and searching for blog validation.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kris!
ReplyDeleteHaha! You really should be a writer!
ReplyDelete