Toys

Sweet Dreams, peanut.

           Toys.  Boys toys did not confuse me. I grew up on a block where I was the only girl among a dozen boys. I was the Wonder Woman to their Superman, the G.I. Jane to their Joe, the effeminate Orko to their He-Man.

What does confuse me is how toy-riddled my life is as a parent. Dear sweet single people : look around the room at your place. Is it messy? Sure it is! Last night's party clothes are in a ball on the floor, caviar and champagne are still chilled in the melting ice sculpture on the grand piano. Ticket stubs from last night's performance of something too cool for old married people lay about the room like confetti all over your original Andy Warhol painting of Liz Taylor. (I'm not bitter, your uppance shall come) I know you think your friend's house who has kids is a mess all the time.  I know. I was there. I felt the same way. But after you clean up your mess, it will stay there. I want you to think of a mess that regenerates itself everyday that you had nothing to do with.

               Toys. Now, you with the chubby lovely baby, I know what you are thinking too. "I only want toys that educate my baby, that fosters imagination and encourages early milestones. My baby will be a genius, not some drooling, nose picking doof who needs lots of bells and whistles on their toys!"  I know because I was there. I felt the same way. But mark my words, you will be in a toy aisle some day saying something akin to "Honey, Look!  This one has so many bells and whistles! Your baby's name here will love this!! Baby's name!, get your finger out of your nose and and look at this!" At that moment, an apparition of my image will appear above your heads, cackling with victory.



an actual Russian roulette-type toy from the Far East



         Toys.  You play with them yourself. Your husband will buy age inappropriate action figures to construct an all out battle of good and evil in your dinning room. And you will use them to bribe. If I told you what I promise my son Henry to just make poopy in the potty, you might have me committed.

 If that kid did poop in that moment of bribe and begging it would be like the end challenge of Supermarket sweep where the people run around the store piling groceries in the cart for the biggest total. Yeah, like that, but with dragons and Spiderman merchandise.

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         The truth is kids love to A-bomb a room with goofy toys. You may not get it. It might never be how you pictured your life, but it makes for great giggles. Lighten up, Toys are for PLAY. You never get this time back, they grow up soon enough. My good friend's teenage daughter got a toy in the shape of a Honda, don't think for a minute my friend wouldn't want to go back to silly Barbies all over her floor.